Popping That Cherry! *An Educated Perspective On The Myth*

Hey all! I just wanted to inform people that you don't have to worry any more! Guys you don't have to worry that if the girl didn't bleed the first time...SHE'S NOT A SLUT! Nor is she, if she ever had sex before the two of you got it on!

Secondly, girls, you don't have to worry about sex being horrendously awful for the first time ever!!

It's actually really common that women don't feel anything at all when they first have sex and that they don't bleed.

Laci Green perfectly explains what it's like for the first time you have sex here:

Just remember that the key thing is to relax and use lube and all will basically be okay. If it does hurt still, you may need to see a doctor.

There is another video by Laci Green that debunks the "popping your cherry myth":

However, it is possible only for SOME girls. Laci Green did not include this info in any of her videos. In fact, your hymen does, of course, exist! But this is what it can possibly look like:

The Imperforate Hymen is what everyone talks about when they use the term "popping your cherry" or "losing your virginity." But, they're wrong. The Imperforate Hymen is highly rare and women with these hymens have to have a doctor puncture their hymen so that they can have a period! Hello, people! You don't ever hear about girls going to the doctor so they can get their period, because it rarely happens! 

If you could pop a girls cherry, then she would not have a period! 

Unfortunately, women have died for this myth throughout history and even today. If women did not bleed when they first had sex with their husband, in some countries they were murdered. That's more than ignorance right there. It's flat out SEXIST! Many women worried about this, and many of them paid for being born a normal woman with their lives. 

So yeah some of them can bleed if they are septate or cribriform, but you would never know if they had a septate or cribriform hymen. It's not your body. It's the woman's. 

In conclusion, if there's no blockage, you can't tell if she is a virgin or not, and if there was blockage beforehand, you still wouldn't know! So don't use that against her. She deserves better than that. And if she's ever had sex before and you have a problem with that, you're probably the problem. Not her.

"I Can't Forget What Happened, But No One Else Remembers"

*Note: Trigger Warning*

As a young girl, I remember learning what rape was, but never fully understanding it. It was something that happened far far away from me. How wrong could I have been. In high school, I learned that my mother had been raped by my father multiple times. (Yes, a husband can rape his wife. If she says no, SHE MEANS NO!)

Unknowingly, rape was always a part of my life. No, it did not happen to me; it happened to a person I loved.

Wouldn't I have guessed it? Never.

As I continued to grow, surprisingly many of my friends came to me and told me that they had in fact been raped or sexually assaulted. I don't think I can count the number on my fingers any more.

What was happening around me? Was I even immune to rape? I had already been sexually assaulted by people close to me, which brings me to the next issue.

Rape is often perpetrated by someone you know closely or are acquainted with...it is RARELY a stranger.

Now everything was adding up as I learned this message in college. It wasn't that a random person was going to come up and rape me. That happens, but that's the least of my worries, although not at all omitted. I was sexually assaulted by friends.

Read that again so that it sinks in:

I was sexually assaulted by friends.

No, it's not the fact that I could have chosen better friends. In the end, I did! But how was I supposed to know that this would ever happen to me?

How did any of my friends who were raped aware that their friends or acquaintances or family would rape them?

My mom certainly didn't think it'd be an issue.

What I'm trying to get at is that it can happen to anyone by anyone. But more importantly, by people you may know and love.

By a significant difference, men rape women. And it's not an accident.

How often do you hear about men complaining that women won't go out with them? How often do you hear sexist jokes against women? How often do you hear boys and men complaining that women are only after their money? That they are stupid? That we complain about equality? That we even open our mouths about inequality? The list goes on.

Think hard about it. How do you feel about women? Do you often feel they owe you something? Do you feel they are catty, stupid bitches? Do you often substitute the word bitch for girl or woman?

1 in 4 women will be raped. It is NOT a coincidence!!!

On Valentine's Day of this year, Force (an organization determined to upset rape culture) put up a memorial in between the Lincoln and Washington Memorials in Washington DC. They laid down the text, "I Can't Forget What Happened, But No One Else Remembers," in attempts to commemorate all rape victims. The text was taken from a poem written by an anonymous poet who had been raped. (Source)

This is what it looked like:

I can't forget what has happened to any of my friends and family either. Let us put a stop to this. It takes all of us to come together to fulfill this.

My Sexual Assault/Harassment

I don't really want to go into any detail about what happened to me. In my last blog entry, I mentioned a bit about how guys would touch my breasts slyly. Well, I never really considered it in the context of sexual assault or as the guy who shoved his crotch in my face - as sexual harassment. But I suppose that is a bit confusing.

"Sexual assault is any sexual activity to which you haven't freely given your consent." (Source)

Well my sexual assault is clearly not as severe as others, but I never gave any consent to any of my guy friends to touch my breasts or my ass - I forgot to mention my butt. And that's kind of just a little eensy weensy bit of a sexual act that I did NOT in fact ever want!

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that none of  these things ever evolved into anything more. However, I have a right to make it an issue.

On to sexual harassment:

"The legal definition of sexual harassment is 'unwelcome verbal, visual, or physical conduct of a sexual nature that is severe or pervasive and affects working conditions or creates a hostile work environment.'" (Source)

Yup, it's pretty broad. Although, I don't think it's that complicated to understand that when a guy hugs you when it is uninvited or looks at your breasts when you talk to them....I think the definition is clear and it sticks!

Earlier today, I couldn't get over the fact that one of my GOOD FRIENDS had sexually assaulted me and I was not able to ever pinpoint what he did to me exactly until now. Until a feminist group posted my blog with a description that included Sexual Assault. And as I explained this to my boyfriend, he told me he always wondered why I was still friends with people like mine. He said it was so clearly sexual assault.

Still though, even now I'm uncomfortable writing about this, acknowledging this. It was sexual assault. And I bet many readers are wondering, "How the hell is she that stupid?"

Well, I'm not.

I've been friends with this guy since I was in 10th grade and am now a 4th year in college. We went pretty far back. And we were there for each other often. But when I really think about it, he was kind of an asshole when he was "trying" to be there for me. I suppose that could be due to other underlying issues I have though  - I have many.

It's not my fault and I'm not stupid, because when I put it all together, almost every guy I've ever been friends with, acquaintances with, close to, etc. - Key word: almost - had sexually assaulted me or sexually harassed me in some way.

When I did not want to hug two guys (different occasions), they proceeded to get pissed off at me, one even pushed me.

Don't get me started on the guy that kissed my shoulder, when I had no clue he was even behind me...IN CLASS. (I was a freshman in high school.)

Is it really that weird then that I thought that my friends were actually friends??

Not really. I actually noticed many girls brush these types of things off as if they were normal.

Apparently, many guys (not all) honestly believe that it is their right to treat girls this way. To treat their friends this way. And that's how it gets all messy and confusing. Boys that assault us or harass us are not evil sexual perpetrators from the beginning...hopefully... They are nice and they act like normal people. They befriend you, and when you're comfortable and trusting of them...they literally may lay it down on you and I don't mean that as a joke.

Now let me ask you, how often has this happened to you? Think really hard about it. Because if you are a girl or a woman and have experienced any of these things, chances are it is very possible that it has happened to you. If not, that's stupendously awesome in an unsarcastic note! I mean it. I hope there are more women out there who haven't been put through this. Unfortunately though, too many women and girls do and will go through this, if they haven't already. And hopefully, they're educated enough to pinpoint that this here is a big red flagged problem. If they're not, it's in no way their fault.

If you do realize that this has happened to you and it bothers you, I suggest you talk to a counselor. Many times therapy is extremely necessary when sexual assault or harassment is involved. Just remember, you're not alone.

My Late Introduction

***Note: Trigger Warning***

I created this blog because I am an ordinary girl whose life has been literally torn to pieces like many other women due to sexism.

Before I was even born, my mom was in a domestic violent relationship with my dad. And even after I was born he continued to abuse her.

I have been recently diagnosed with Hypermobility Syndrome. It is a syndrome where the fetus's tissues do not develop enough causing increased flexibility and so causing pain throughout the body and in extreme cases: death. And last night my cousin asked me, "But how could you have developed wrong, your mom was healthy, right?"

I told her that she was, except my dad was abusing her still.

Automatically, she replied, "Oh that's why."

Now it may not be that my syndrome was caused by that at all. But how sad is it that it's even an option?

I remember so much.

I am now in my 20's, and I remember her bleeding on the cold cement floor outside in the dark, cold night. I remember furniture thrown everywhere, broken. I remember the shouting and the fear I often felt.

I remember not being able to sleep.

And one day he left.

And when I finally saw him again, he was my dad still. And my mom had to continue to acknowledge that she HAD to allow him visitation rights. Not only because of the court, because as children and now, my brothers and I unconditionally loved him.

I can't imagine how indignant she must have been.

Today, my dad and I no longer talk. It was until I lived with him that it finally hit me. Sexism is real. It always has been in my life and I refused to admit it.

I had been stalked, cat-called, harassed. And I don't know why that wasn't enough. One of my friends once stuck his crotch in my face as a "joke." I was horrified but all my guy friends laughed. Many of my guy "friends" would proceed to touch my breasts slyly as a "joke." 

I NEVER knew what to do.

It all happened so fast, I became confused because nobody ever stood up for me. 

I used to walk miles to go to and from school when a man followed me home one day. I was lucky my mom was home. I often wonder in fear what he planned to do with me. (Have you noticed how often the word fear has been used?)

And yet I still believed women were equal.

It took my dad to make me realize this. Now, how sad is THAT? Every day I heard how women did this or that, because it annoyed him so much. How only women screwed up, how only women were bad, how only women become ugly and wrinkled when they're old but not men. Don't worry, men always got it! My second oldest brother was able to call me BITCH or SLUT out loud so the neighbors could hear, when I did nothing to deserve it. What did my dad say when I complained to him? That I was the one arguing back! And when I would tell my friends, they wouldn't believe me. Now it was my turn to be indignant and depressed.

My dad verbally abused me every chance he could, because I was a "girl" and so I was weak.

He tore down my body image saying I was bulimic and anorexic because I was too skinny. But when I was 5 lbs more than that, I could "lose some weight" according to him.

There was no winning.

It was until he verbally assaulted and slapped me on the face, that I ran away.

One of my friends allowed me to stay with her a while. But I remember her telling me, that maybe we were just mad and things will sizzle down. Like the fact that he hurt me was just a mistake that I should brush away. He was just angry after all. (She knew he beat my mom when I was young btw.)

At the time I was taking a Women's Studies class, and luckily it was empowering for me after going through such a hard time. And that's when I knew I was a Feminist. That's when I knew there WAS something wrong. Because what was happening to me, was something that happens to a lot of girls and WORSE!

And if you could believe it, the story gets worse - but that's for another day.

1 in 3 women in the US will experience domestic abusive relationships. 1 in 3 women in the world will be raped. We women are half of the world. Aren't you worried that these issues have only been brushed off as marginal??


I am one woman, one example, one representation. There are many many stories like mine, not as bad as mine, and some much worse than mine.

I will continue my story later.

In a Parallel Universe

I'm not advocating this in any way, but this is exactly how women feel. I hope men realize this, and understand that the tools we are using now to prevent rape are as bad as the tools for the men in this article.

"What If We Responded to Sexual Assault by Limiting Men’s Freedom Like We Limit Women’s?"

Calls for Men to Be Blindfolded in Public
In response to claims that men are unable to restrain themselves from committing rape if they see women in skimpy clothing, members of law enforcement agencies around the country have called for men to blindfold themselves when they are in places where they might encounter a female wearing a tank top or a short skirt.

“For years, we have been told that men don’t understand how to respond to the sight of a woman wearing, say, gym clothes – that as far as they are concerned, if they can see the outline of her body, then that’s an invitation to sex that they are simply unable to refuse,” said one police chief. “If that’s true, then we have no choice. We want women to be safe, and there is apparently no way for some men to reasonably restrain their own behavior once they catch a glimpse of cleavage, so all men will have to cover their eyes while working out, going to bars or clubs, or relaxing at the beach.”

Popular radio “shock jocks” Skeezer and the Gooch have gone even further, arguing that men should be blindfolded at all times while in public, on the grounds that “it’s not just skimpy outfits, some dudes get turned on by random stuff like women wearing athletic jerseys and sneakers,” making situation-specific blindfolding insufficient to preserve women’s safety.

Unwise to Allow Men to Go Out Alone at Night?
A local coalition of religious leaders, concerned about recent studies showing that an average of 6% of men will commit a sexual assault during their lifetime, and that nearly all sexual assaults are committed by men on their own or in groups, are urging parents not to let their sons go out at night unless they are accompanied by a mother, sister, or trusted female friend.

Mens’ groups have responded with concern, pointing out that this may leave some men unable to complete the tasks of daily life, such as going to school, working, or socializing.

In response, the religious leaders said that they “understand that this may be an inconvenience for some men,” but that “the minor difficulties this imposes on men are nothing when compared to the lifelong horror sexual assaults cause their victims.” “Really,” said the organization’s leader, “almost any limitation on men’s freedom is better than the risk that they might sexually assault someone. That’s just common sense.”

Time to Admit That Some Jobs May Just Be Too Dangerous for Men?
Recent allegations that Jimmy Savile raped numerous children while working as a television presenter for the BBC, have led to widespread calls for television stations to avoid allowing men to do similar jobs.

“We know that not all men are rapists, and that some men can probably be trusted to present tv shows safely,” said the director of Televisions Within Borders, a professional group that promotes the welfare of TV hosts and the people they cover. “However, now we know that some men can’t. And why take the risk? There are plenty of qualified women who can do this job instead.”

Voices from the blogosphere agree. “You wouldn’t send a cocaine addict to do a Good Morning America segment about a big pile of cocaine,” said a blogger who calls himself “UltimateMindz.” “Letting men be TV presenters is basically the same thing.” That post has since been shared more than 180 times on twitter, and has garnered nearly 2000 Facebook “likes.”

Supporters of this movement point to the fact that there has not been a single recorded case of a football coach raping a child since all college football coaching staff were replaced by women after last year’s Penn State abuse scandal.

Deans of 25 prominent journalism schools have taken a more moderate position, however, urging television programs to do more segments on bodybuilders and military contractors – subjects who are seen as safe for male presenters to interact with because their physical strength leaves them less vulnerable to assault. That way, the deans argue in a widely-circulated letter, male presenters may be able to remain in their jobs, albeit in a role with less visibility and almost no opportunity for advancement.

No I did not write this. Source: http://www.wrongingrights.com/2013/01/what-if-we-responded-to-sexual-assault-by-limiting-mens-freedom-like-we-limit-womens.html

“I can’t forget what happened”

In attempts to help spread the word of FORCE, here you go:

The most common trauma of women remains confined to the sphere of private life, without formal recognition or restitution from the community. There is no public monument for rape survivors.
-Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery

This Valentine’s Day, FORCE: Upsetting Rape Culture is creating a public memorial for survivors and victims of sexual assault, sexual abuse and rape. During V-DAY’s 1 Billion Rising event, FORCE will float the words I can’t forget what happened but no one else remembers on the reflecting pool of the national mall. The statement, written by a survivor, reflects the isolating and traumatic experience of living with sexual violence.  The temporary testament is a public call to create a permanent national monument to honor survivors.  If we continue to forget the reality of rape, abuse and assault in a country where 30-45% of women and 13-16% of men are affected, how will we ever prevent it?  As a nation, we need to honor the survivors living with sexual violence today, so that, for future generations, this violence may stop.

We are looking for individuals and organizations that want to join our effort to make a public monument to rape a reality.  On V-Day we are calling on local supporters to gather on the national mall at 3pm to celebrate the unveiling of “I can’t forget what happened” and to rally for a permanent monument.  We are also looking for volunteers who can join our team starting at noon to put the poem together.  

Starting now and until the day a monument is created, we are looking for organizations that want to join and support the effort through petitions, contacting congress, and fundraising.  If you or your organization is interested in joining a coalition of feminists and anti-rape activists working to make this idea a reality please contact FORCE at upsettingrapeculture@gmail.com.

More about the need for a public memorial:
Memorials create a platform for individuals and communities to grieve trauma. When our country undergoes a traumatic event, like a natural disaster or a war, memorials serve as a focal point for people to understand violent and alienating experiences. The existing memorials on the national mall are places to honor the important people of our history, to grieve the losses of violence, and for society to remember.  When our nation remembers difficult parts of our history, we are better able to prevent injustice and atrocities from repeating.

This important public process has not happened with sexual violence.  The statistics anti-rape activists were quoting 40 years ago are still being used today.  One in four women have been raped.  By the time Americans are 18, one in three women and one in six men will have been sexually abused as children.  Women in the US are twice as likely to experience rape in their lifetime than breast cancer.  

In the midst of an epidemic of sexual violence, our country has no public space for survivors to heal.  There is no public process for survivors to rebuild a connection to their community that has been devastated by the violence and violation of rape.  There is little national recognition of the overwhelming epidemic of rape and the need for our country to find an end.  A history remembered is less likely to be repeated.  An epidemic recognized is less likely to continue.  We need to honor survivors living with the memory of sexual violence today, so that this violence will not be repeated in future generations.  We would like to see our temporary gesture honoring survivors become a permanent monument, testament and promise to future generations, that, as a country, we are committed to ending rape.

More about FORCE:
FORCE: Upsetting Rape Culture is a creative activist effort to upset the culture of rape and promote a culture of consent. We believe that a more difficult and honest conversation needs to happen in America to face the realities of sexual violence, and we envision a world where sex is empowering and pleasurable rather than coercive and violent. As activists, we are here to force the issue.

FORCE is most widely known for their most recent actions “PINK loves CONSENT” and “RAPE is RAPE”.  “PINK loves CONSENT” was a web-based prank that made consent go viral and sparked an internet revolution.  FORCE pretended to be Victoria’s Secret promoting a new line of consent-themed, anti-rape panties. The action and internet aftermath got millions of people talking about consent, rape culture, and the sexual empowerment of women.  On the eve of the last presidential debate, FORCE projected “RAPE IS RAPE” onto the US Capitol Building along with stories of survivors.  The text tells the experience of survivors, which in a national conversation about the politics of rape, have eerily been left out.

You can follow FORCE’s efforts at upsettingrapeculture.com.  FORCE can be contacted at upsettingrapeculture@gmail.com.

How do you feel about this?

Hi there. This is my first blog, and I hope people actually care to read it. I have a few interesting questions:

1. Have you ever experienced sexism at any degree (whether you are a man or woman or other)?
2. Have you ever been paid more or less because of sexism (whether you are a man or woman or other)?
3. Have you ever been catcalled (whether you are a man or woman or other)?
4. Do you, or someone you know, know of anyone who has been raped (whether you -or the person- are a man or woman or other)?
5. Have you ever been raped (whether you are a man or woman or other)?
6. What did you endure because of your rape (whether you are a man or woman or other)?
7. Have you ever been harassed sexually or physically (whether you are a man or woman or other)?
8. Have you ever experienced domestic abuse (whether you are a man or woman or other)?
9. If you have been a victim of any of these, have you ever experienced blame on your part (whether you are a man or woman or other)? 

I think these are questions people should think about more than we normally do. I will cover them as I go on with this blog. 

Here is something interesting to read on what it feels like (as a woman/girl) to be raped:

"On Rape Culture

Gentlemen. This is what rape culture is like:

Imagine you have a Rolex watch. Nice fancy Rolex, you bought it because you like the way it looks and you wanted to treat yourself. And then you get beaten and mugged and your Rolex is stolen. So you go to the police. Only, instead of investigating the crime, the police want to know why you were wearing a Rolex instead of a regular watch. Have you ever given a Rolex to anyone else? Is it possible you wanted to be mugged? Why didn’t you wear long sleeves to cover up the Rolex if you didn’t want to be mugged?

And then after that, everywhere you go, there are constant jokes about stealing your Rolex. People you don’t even know whistle at your Rolex and make jokes about cutting your hand off to get it. The media doesn’t help either; it portrays people who wear Rolexes as flamboyant assholes who secretly just want someone to come along and take that Rolex off their hands. When damn, all you wanted was to wear a nice watch without getting harassed for it. When you complain that you are starting to feel unsafe, people laugh you off and say that you are too uptight. Never mind you got violently attacked for the crime of wearing a friggin time piece.

Imagining all that? It sucks, doesn’t it.

Now imagine you could never take the Rolex off."

Source: http://legendary-piece-of-fic.tumblr.com/post/39391943332/on-rape-culture

If you thought this post was interesting, please leave comments! If it's offensive to you, PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS!!! (I would like to correct anything in any of my posts, if it IS offensive.) If you would like to talk about any of these issues, PLEASE COMMENT! I want to know that I am not alone and that people care about these issues, because as we know, they are an epidemic in society! Or do we?